I have so much to say and I feel like I have so little time. Its late, and I know I should sleep. Still here I am writing instead of sleeping.
I have learned so much lately. Really the past four years have been a free fall of constant learning.
First I met the man of my dreams — quite literally — in 2003. Then I married him in July of 2004. After five beautiful months of marriage, we found ourselves staring dumbfounded at pee on a stick. How did this happen? Well I know how, but HOW? What’s more, how do I respond to this life changing event? Do I run away and hide? Do I get rid of this blip in my plans? After all, its so small and its life has barely begun. No, I could never bring myself to end someone else’s life no matter how small it is. “A person’s a person, no matter how small.” How true that is. Well there is always adoption, which I strongly considered. No, definitely not. My mother gave her son up for adoption. She was young and rather than change her life and raise this child she conceived, she dumped him into some strangers lap and hoped he’d find his way in life. While he’s a nice guy, I’m sure there are things she would have done differently if she had raised him herself. She regrets it, and I knew I would have, too. I didn’t want this to happen to me. I want to own everything done with my child; the joys, the mistakes, the memories, I want it all to be MINE — me, no other mother. When that child leaves home, I want them to visit me. When that child misses its mother, I want it to miss me. When my child – my child — wants a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, love from a mother’s heart, I want it to be mine. I know someday my child will leave and perhaps find another to love, but they will always love me. And what did I do to deserve this love? Nothing.
So there I was, talking myself into raising a child. Such a large and small thing all at once. I felt such a mix of emotions; so happy, sad, scared, angry, excited. I had always wanted children. I had always pictured myself as a wife and mother and nothing else. It was only recently that I had decided to be something else. I had found a new passion for health and wellness. It fit my desire to help others and make the world a better place. My husband was about to be a chiropractor and I was excited about working along side him. My passion was genuine, but not as real and strong as my desire to raise my little children to be beautiful, wonderful Christian adults.
So I gave up my new found dream for my old one. But it wasn’t as easy as it should have been. I didn’t make it easy. I couldn’t let go of the fact that I had no control in the situation, not really any way. I guess I could choose any of those things I thought of — abortion, adoption, abandonment — but would I, really?? No, I never would; never could. So in a way I had no choice but to let go and let God, which made me really angry. What about what I want? What about my plans? Are they really that unimportant? YES! I have learned that the answer to that question is a loud and blaring yes. My plans are meaningless because I don’t know anything. In comparison to God, I am small and dumb and I need help. It’s like a baby who is newly born. All that child knows is that it wants to eat, needs to poop and pee and wants to sleep. It doesn’t know when it should sleep. The child doesn’t know where to poop or how to clean itself. A small baby is so helpless and needy. As we grow older we may become a bit more independent, but really we never fully loose that ignorance or dependence in something greater than ourselves. We still don’t know much more than what we want and what we think we need.
So I surrender. If there is anything I have learned these past five years it is to surrender. I surrender my life, my wants, my dreams, my hopes and fears, my children, my marriage, my everything to God and all His perfect knowledge and wisdom. I GIVE UP, I GIVE IN, and I give it all to God. He knows better any way. If I let Him lead, I don’t know where we will go but I know it will be awesome. It may hurt sometimes, it may be hard sometimes and I may look at Him and say, “What are you doing!?”, but I will trust Him. Some who do not understand Him may say this is stupid but I say their pain, their heartaches and their troubles in life are just as stupid. Why suffer when you have the chance to lay it all before someone who can DO something about it!?
When my sister Mary died I cried harder than ever before. The closest I ever came to crying that hard was when my high school sweetheart broke up with me for the first time. It broke my heart so deeply to loose my sister that I thought I would never heal. I thought there was nothing that could fill that void. I was right about that bit. A piece of my heart is missing and will always be empty. But God offers me peace that passes understanding. I can see His will and understand his purpose. I don’t fully understand everything, but I know He is right and it will all work out. Do I miss her? Sometimes… but I know I will see her again. Without God, the whole thing would have been unbearable. Mary was the only one who could identify with me on many levels. We went through so much together and felt the same pain. She understood me and loved me. Without God to be there to understand me and love me who would I have?? I have people around me who love me, but few of them know me or understand me, and none of them like God does.
So my whole point to this whole long thing was that I have changed and I have grown. I have learned more in the last five years than I learned in the twenty before that. I am so incredibly grateful for every ill, every heartache, every pain and every mistake. I learned a world of wisdom and knowledge from it all. I move forward from this moment a new woman, a new mom and a new Christian. My relationship with God is stronger than ever. I feel better about myself than I ever have. For once, I look in the mirror and just a reflection of myself, not some ugly woman that I wish I wasn’t. For the first time in my life, I AM deeply content.
I am content.
Proverbs 16:9 (New International Version)
9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:3 (New International Version)
3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD