I have a ticking watch on my desk. I found it in our fire safe several years ago and I left it in there. At the time, I didn’t think much of it; though it was pretty, it just didn’t touch me much. Recently, a couple weeks ago, I came across the watch again. This time I felt different; I felt somehow connected to this little pocket watch. It is gold with roman numerals around the edges instead of numbers. What makes it so beautiful and so special is that the back and front are completely glass so you can see the insides, which are intricate and delicate and complicated – each piece depending on the next. Though most of the insides are gold, some of the gears are silver and a few of the little tiny screws that hold it together are bright red. As it turns out, my husband bought it in some other country as he traveled abroad before he met me. I do not know how much he spent on the watch, or if it is worth much, but it looks beautiful and expensive.
Tonight I realized why this watch caught me so much now but did not touch me years ago. I feel like I am that watch – intricate, delicate and complicated. I feel like this little watch is ticking away the passing moments of my life. Since Mary died I have felt like every moment means so much more than it did. Really everything means so much more – my children, my husband, my health, my parents, and my siblings, every sunset and every late night. I feel like if I can just get past this ticking moment, and this one, and this one… then I will be okay. If I can just stand the pain, or enjoy the pleasure or just push through the exhaustion for one more ticking moment, I will be okay. Especially if I can keep from crying or screaming or making a mistake.
Life is beautiful. Do you feel it is? It is hard; so very, very hard. But in the end, when you really examine the whole picture it is beautiful. I feel like my life is like one of those neat pictures that is made up of a whole bunch of tiny pictures. Have you seen one of those? I find them so facinating. I think sometimes all we see – all I see – are the tiny pictures and I miss the big picture.
So this little watch that ticks on my desk is here to remind me that this moment is all I need to worry about. I can only change this one tiny picture and I will let God worry about the big on. Because life is made up of the tiny moments. Those moments are the ones that hurt the most or feel the best. So I am trying my very best to make each moment my best moment. If I can do that, then the big picture will be the best I can make it.
I hope this all makes sense. Its nearly 2 a.m. and I feel so awake yet so exhausted. Its these moments that I think about life most, and about Mary. It keeps me awake and alert enough that I cant sleep. But now I feel a bit sleepy and I hope I can sleep. Its a long very busy day tomorrow and I have to drive safe and be well and do well.
Maybe now I can get some sleep… maybe.