Note: I decided to edit this old draft I found. It is a fascinating journey through my life at the time. Then I realized I had already published the silly thing after 30 minutes of reading and editing it! LOL So I decided to publish the silly thing anyway!! This is the edited version with my notes on changes to my life since then. This was originally posted in December of 2008. I had been married to Presten since 2005. My first daughter, Cassie, was 3 at the time and Serenity would have been a baby as she was born January 2008. I mention Mary’s death which happened in October of 2007, a little over a year before I originally posted this.
I have learned so much lately. Really the past four years have been a free fall of constant learning.
First I met the man of my dreams — quite literally –in 2003. Then, of course, I married him in July of 2004. After five beautiful months of marriage, we found ourselves staring dumbfounded at a pee on a stick. How did this happen? Well I know how, but HOW? What’s more, how do I respond to this life changing event? Do I run away and hide? Do I get rid of this blip in my plans? After all, its so small and it’s life has barely begun. No, I could never bring myself to end someone else’s life no matter how small it is.
“A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
How true that is. Well there is always adoption, which I strongly considered. No, definitely not. My mother gave her son up for adoption. Rather than change her totally screwed up life and raise this child she conceived, she dumped him into some strangers lap and hoped he’d find his way in life. (She was not a Christian at the time, I might add. Feel free to ask her about this. She is an open book!) While he’s a nice guy, I’m sure there are things she would have done differently if she had raised him herself. I didn’t want this to happen to me. I didn’t want to meet my child years after s/he had been raised by someone else and have regrets and wish I had made some other choice. Plus giving this child up for adoption would have been totally selfish, not really a necessity.
But my reason for keeping my child was quite selfish also. (Then again if I really think about it, often the reason for having a child in the first place IS selfish for many people.) I want to own everything done with my child; the joys, the mistakes, the memories, I want it all to be MINE — me, no other mother. When that child leaves home, I want them to visit me. When that child misses its mother, I want it to miss me. When my child – my child — wants a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, love from a mother’s heart, I want it to be mine. I know someday my child will leave and perhaps find another to love, but they will always love me as their Mommy. And what did I do to deserve this love? Nothing but conceive them.
So there I was, talking myself into raising a child. Such a large and small thing all at once. I felt such a mix of emotions; so happy, sad, scared, angry, excited. I had always wanted children. I had always pictured myself as a wife and mother and nothing else. It was only recently that I had decided to be something else. I had found a new passion for health and wellness. It fit my desire to help others and make the world a better place. My new husband was about to be a chiropractor and I was excited about working along side him. My passion was genuine, but not as real and strong as my desire to raise my little children the best I can to be beautiful, wonderful Christian adults.
So I gave up my new-found dream for my old one. But it wasn’t as easy as it should have been. I didn’t make it easy. I couldn’t let go of the fact that I had no control in the situation; not really. I guess I could choose any of those things I thought of — abortion, adoption, abandonment — but would I, really?? No, I never would, never could. So in a way I had no choice but to let go and let God, which made me really angry. What about what I want? What about my plans? Are they really that unimportant? YES! I have learned that the answer to that question is a loud and blaring yes.
(This next part is what I originally wrote and believed at the time…)
My plans are meaningless because I don’t know anything. In comparison to God, I am small and dumb and I need help. It’s like a baby who is newly born. All that child knows is that it wants to eat, needs to poop and pee and wants to sleep. It doesn’t know when it should sleep. The child doesn’t know where to poop or how to clean itself. A small baby is so helpless and needy. As we grow older we may become a bit more independent, but really we never loose that ignorance. We still don’t know much more than what we want and what we think we need.
(Now I no longer believe my plans are meaningless. However I do believe that it is still much like a child. God considers our plans, desires, and needs as much as we consider our own children’s. But God knows EVERYTHING which means in comparison we do know so little.)
So I surrender. If there is anything I have learned these past five years it is to surrender. I surrender my life, my wants, my dreams, my hopes and fears, my children, my marriage, my everything to God and all His perfect knowledge and wisdom. I GIVE UP, I GIVE IN, and I give it all to God. He knows better any way. If I let Him lead, I don’t know where we will go but I know it will be awesome. It may hurt sometimes, it may be hard sometimes and I may look at Him and say, “What are you doing!?”, but I will trust Him. Some who do not understand or follow Him may say this is stupid but I say their choice to endure pain, their heartaches and their troubles in life ALONE is just as stupid. Why suffer when you have the chance to lay it all before someone who can DO something about it!?
When my sister Mary died I cried harder than ever before. The closest I ever came to crying that hard was when my high school sweetheart broke up with me for the first time — and it wasn’t even that hard... It broke my heart so deeply to loose my sister that I thought I would never heal. I thought there was nothing that could fill that void. I was right about that bit. A piece of my heart is missing and will always be empty. But God offers me peace that passes understanding. I can see His will and understand his purpose. I don’t fully understand everything, but I know He is right and it will all work out. Do I miss her? Often… but I know I will see her again. Without God, the whole thing would have been unbearable. Mary was the only one who could identify with me on many levels. We went through so much together and felt the same pain. She understood me and loved me. Without God to be there to understand me and love me who would I have?? I have people around me who love me, but none of them know me or understand me like God does.
So my whole point to this whole long thing was that I have changed and I have grown. I have learned more in the last five years than I learned in the twenty before that.I am so incredibly grateful for every ill, every heartache, every pain and every mistake. I learned a world of wisdom and knowledge from it all. I move forward from this moment a new woman, a new mom and a new Christian. My relationship with God is stronger than ever. I feel better about myself than I ever have. For once, I look in the mirror and just a reflection of myself, not some ugly woman that I wish I wasn’t. For the first time in my life, I AM deeply content.
I am content.
Note from today’s edit:
It is funny that I said I had learned to surrender and learned to be content. HA! This lesson is the story of my life! I am still learning to be content and surrender MY WILL to GOD’s plan!
I think this blog post is a perfect bridge into the study my husband and me will be doing together. We will be studying the belief that God is in control of everything. This will be a Bible study using commentaries but focused solely on the Bible not on opinion. How real is “free will”? To what extent are we free to choose what we want? What does the Bible say about our choices? How can there be a plan for my life by God and myself and they both work out?
These questions and more will be considered as we do our study beginning next week. Be praying we find insight and wisdom as we study this controversial view in our post-modern world. Will share what I learn in my blog. Check it out soon!
Thanks for reading,
Original verses posted at time of draft:
Proverbs 16:9 (1983 NIV)
9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:3 (1983 NIV)
3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 (1983 NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD