I am 8 weeks pregnant, and then some. I feel excited but find myself checking the clock. Yes, checking the clock! I find time moving very, very slowly. My mother is visiting which helps time pass as we get work done, but when we are not working time is dragging. I find myself thinking, “Now what!?” What am I supposed to do now that I am pregnant?
It feels a lot like when I came to a realization many years ago. I was sitting alone, thinking to myself about my life. It dawned on me that I had now reached my goal. My biggest goal in life was to get married to a wonderful, Christian man and then have 12 children. While I had not yet had 12 children, and I doubt I ever will, I did have two children and the Christian husband I had planned to have. I felt like I had accomplished something great, and found myself thinking, “Now what do I do?” Of course the answer was simple, “Raise the silly kids!” (And the husband, actually.) But I still found myself wondering if there was something I was missing.
Nope. There isn’t. This is my lot in life: to be happily married and raise my children. Now I am having a third child and find myself very excited yet wondering if I missed something. I also find myself sort of holding my breath as I think about the birth of this child. I have experienced two vastly different scenarios giving birth.
With my first child, Cassie, I gave birth in a birth center. It was a serene and beautiful birth. The only pain I experienced was the moment she emerged causing a small tear. I used no medications and was grateful I did it on my own. I went home four hours later, feeling like I had conquered the world.
With my second child I had planned a home birth. We were living in Oregon at the time and after my first experience now 2 years ago, I felt confident in a home birth. Well that didn’t work out! I woke up at 2 a.m. bleeding and had to call my midwife over. She personally drove me to the hospital, promising I could come home if it was “nothing.” It wasn’t “nothing.” My placenta was tearing from the wall and I was bleeding to death, literally. This ended in an emergency c-section, but I was alive as was my beautiful baby girl.
Now I find myself pregnant and thinking about this birth experience. I am hoping for a VBAC. That’s a normal birth after c-section. Since the previous birth was an emergency c-section some of you might think this isn’t possible. I but knew I would want a VBAC 10 years ago when I was headed into surgery. At that time I kept repeating it, “I want a VBAC.” And several times during surgery I heard the nurse say, “No, she want’s a VBAC, do it this way.” So I do think it is possible.
Really I am finding whatever you believe is possible often is. If you believe you can or think you can’t you are correct! Well I believe I can have a healthy pregnancy and end it in a VBAC, delivering a healthy baby BOY. (I want a boy but haven’t had my discovery sono yet.)
Here’s to having a happy, healthy pregnancy and delivering a happy, healthy child!
May you be blessed today and always.
Supera Mama Maggie