So my mistakes are many and my flaws are great. I am human and find it so hard to find strengths within myself. It’s not that I dont think I have them but rather that I feel like my weaknesses are so great that they outweigh my strengths.
Lately I have felt quite selfish. Not in the usual sense of the word, but rather in the Mommy sense of the word. Those of you who have kids or have spent much time with kids might fully understand what I mean here. I stay home with my kids; they are awake from about 7 am to 7 p.m. Out of those twelve hours they nap about 3 or so. That leaves 9 hours of parenting time. While they do play some together without me, I do have to constantly jump in to handle a situation or two (sharing is a serious issue in our house right now). The few bits of undisturbed time I do have I end up spending keeping the house clean (dishes, laundry, general pick-up and put away, the usual). So really the only time I get to myself when the kids dont need me and the house can wait is nap time. Though the past several days I havent even had that because the kiddos havent been napping well.
So that leaves me feeling, “What about me?” Do you ever feel like you are disappearing? Sometimes I feel like I am just Mommy or Wife but rarely Margaret. I suppose that is why I cherish Ladies Bible Class; it is one of the few times I can just be a woman among other women rather than a Mom or Wife. I dont mind being a Mom or Wife — I love those jobs – but they are filled with so much responsibility that sometimes it leaves me feeling emotionally overwhelmed and physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I work 24/7 with very few breaks to just be me and do what I want to do. You know?
This isnt really a complaint, mind you. I knew when I signed up for this job (Wife and Mom) that I would be consumed by the job and someday emerge again years later when my kids have grown and I can just enjoy being a Wife and woman. I just never imagined it to be so completely consuming.
I think Christianity can be that way sometimes. We join the race for Heaven thinking it is simple: obey the gospel and receive forgiveness for our sins and salvation from Hell. But it doesnt stop there, does it? It consumes you. You are crucified with Christ and you no longer live but Christ lives in you and the life you now live in the flesh you live by faith in the Son of God. Meaning you are, in some way, dead. You sacrifice your entire being, making yourself a living sacrifice to God, “holy and pleasing”. It is a life-long, self improvement process, never stopping your service, growth and of course all out of love. This is as it should be. I found a verse used in a recent sermon so inspiring that I wrote it out to post on my wall:
1 Corinthians 15:55-58 (NIV)
”Where, O Death, is your victory?
Where, O Death, is your sting?”
The Sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore stand FIRM. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”
I find this verse encouraging because I see my dual life as Wife and Mother as a service to the Lord. This verse encourages me to give myself fully to that service, realizing my sacrifice is not in vain. All I can really do is my best and pray that God do the rest and fill in the gaps that my mistakes leave behind.
So those days – or even years – when I spend all my time parenting and keeping house I try to recognize that its alright; its not in vain. I can always scrapbook the kids baby pictures for them when they get married as a wedding present. Until then I will enjoy my kids rather than the pictures.
Bear in mind that these are the ramblings of a tired woman at 3:30 AM. Why am I awake? Im not too sure. The past several days have been exceptionally stressful and I have found it very hard to sleep. My mind has been racing at night, too, which really doesnt help.
So maybe now I can sleep since I got some stuff off my mind. Good nite and good morning. 😛
x ❤ X