True Colors – this one was tough for me. I had to get it out though. I hope you understand where I am coming from.
Preface: My brother was a genius, but like every other human was not without his faults, hang-ups, problems, and things that irritate others. I wrote this letter to him but never sent it, and now he is dead, out of my life… for what will feel like forever. I was reluctant to post this but I felt a need to do so.
I found this amazing version of the song “True Colors” by a group named “Groove For Thought.” I was inspired to search for it because I love to find A Capella versions of songs and my brother, Dennis, had said that the song “True Colors” reminded him of me.
The last words from your proverbial mouth through your emails were unkind, uncaring, and devoid of love but not lacking in emotion. You even went as far as to say even if I needed to be hospitalized again, do not bother calling because you weren’t there for me anymore. It hurt so bad because I thought we had made up our struggles and disagreements. I was so hoping we could still be friends. But when you sent that final nasty email to me, my dear husband had no other recourse of action but to cut you out of my life until you could come to realize your part in our disagreements and apologize for your part. He knew you were doing more harm than good. Therefore, he told you to contact him before contacting me. Nothing was heard from you and I feel sad.
The song “True Colors” came on and it made me think of you for two reasons: 1) you said that song reminded you of me, and 2) I want to show you my true colors.
I may have “sad eyes” and may not smile as often as I should. I often feel discouraged when the world is full of people who misunderstand me. Sometimes the darkness inside me makes me feel so small. Sometimes this world makes me feel crazy because it is more than I can bear. But my true colors are much like a rainbow.
Red – I am full of love. I do my very best to show the love of Christ to others and though I know I fail sometimes, I hope the love still shines through the clouds in my life.
Orange – I show caution with trusting others sometimes because I have been hurt by those closest to me. People I should have been able to trust with my very life have stabbed me in the back and caused me extreme pain.
Yellow – When I do smile, it is genuine. I don’t always feel happy. But when I do, I make sure it shows. And even when I don’t feel happy, I do my best to still smile a little and extend kindness in an effort to lift up others.
Green – I am always growing. I refuse to be someone who is stagnant like an old marsh. No. I am continually growing and changing to become someone better; more like Christ. I work hard at this and though I may fail, I am learning to extend grace to myself.
Blue – I have sorrow and sadness and blue days just like everyone else. But I don’t let myself get stuck there. I let the clouds pass and eventually the sun shines through. And when it does, I let my smile show and I embrace those moments of happiness.
Indigo – the darkness inside can be so smothering… but it isn’t without purpose. God, I know, does work out things for good and I can be a part of that “Working out” by doing my best to do the Lord’s will in my life and affect others for Christ.
Violet – I have scars and old wounds and bruises. I am not without past hurts and I am sure future hurts will occur. But I don’t focus on the hurts to come. I focus on what those scars mean to me. They mean I am an overcomer.
I am an overcomer. I am continually working to overcome many past hurts, pains, struggles, trials, and tests. And as I continue to grow, I pray for you. Prayer is all I have for you at this point. I cannot reach out to you. My husband has instructed me to let you be until you reach out to him. Additionally, after such an awful email I feel like you do owe me an apology. It really hurt. Not really because it rang true but because you did what you know how to do – you sent zingers. You hit me in the spots you knew were soft. How could you bring up Mary? She is dead. I cannot make amends with her or anything she has said or done.
But I don’t want this bridge to be burned. Our relationship is valuable to me, so I am in prayer for you. God bless you.
Forgive me for any wrong doing in my relationship with Dennis. May I do what is right in your eyes.
Forgive him for his unkind words and actions. May he see himself through your eyes – someone you love and care for – and also see his flaws and desire to change them. May he be repentant and also forgiving.
I believe Dennis, if he were at his best, would not have said what he said. I choose to believe in his heart of hearts he loved me. That is what I choose to hold on to – the love he had for me in his heart and the good times we did have.
There are many hard parts about this loss as compared to the other losses in my life. My sister died in 2007, but honestly this death is so different from hers but not any less significant. The differences are that I got to say goodbye to my sister. We were moving from NC to OR and she came to say goodbye to me; we hugged and cried a little and I felt her love. I felt no such love from Dennis in the final moments I spent with him and I certainly didn’t get to say goodbye in any good form. The pain of losing them both cannot be compared but as it has been 10 years since my sister died and I feel more peace. With Dennis, I feel so much hurt that sometimes it overcomes me and I literally feel like sorrow is sitting on my chest like an elephant sitting on a peanut and I am being crushed by the overwhelming sense of loss.
I didn’t just lose a brother or a friend. I lost a future with Dennis. I will experience Heaven with him but nothing more on this earth. That hurts something awful as well.
In all this I have learned many things; much of which I have already shared in previous blogs. I hope you go back and read them and glean some sort of knowledge or wisdom that helps you keep from making mistakes I have made or going through the same trials I have gone through.
(Note: A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov 15:1)
May he rest in peace and may I see him again but not too soon.
God bless you today and always.
Super Momma Maggie
This is a link to the song I am referring to: True Colors on YouTube
This is a link to the lyrics of the song: True Colors Lyrics